14 March 2006

Crazy day

Today was flippin crazy! It started when I woke up the first time. I just switched cell phone bodies and the alarm on my new phone is somewhat unique. Keeping it simple, my alarm went off and when I went to snooze it I realized that I accidentally shut it off. Realizing this I reset my alarm for ten minutes later. Unfortunately, if you don't back all the way out to the front screen, it doesn't set. So I woke up an hour later, luckily for me all that meant was that I missed breakfast and a shower, I still had about a half hour to get myself cleaned up to make it to my first meeting. After that I was moving from room to room, applying varying amounts of urine to whatever fire was in each room.

I did take about a half hour for lunch, got myself a big sandwich in the embassy. After applying a few more drops of urine here and there I got a phone call informing (reminding) me about a going away ceremony. The Soldier for whom the ceremony was for is someone that I really owe a lot to, so naturally I kicked myself because I hadn't arranged any kind of going away gift. I ended up dipping into my box of stuff to send home and pulled out some custom unit patches that we got sewn onto a piece of cloth with the new ACU pattern. The senior leaders of my unit then signed the cloth with a sharpie, each leaving a personal note. When it came time to present gifts to this Soldier I managed to get the attention of the master of ceremonies and give him the signal that we had a gift that we'd like to present as well. Two other organizations were in line ahead of me and after they presented their extravagant (but not unwarranted) gifts, I stepped up with my autographed hanky. I figured it would be best to play it up that we are a tactical unit and that our focus is on getting the job done, not making it look pretty. I think I managed to squeeze a few chuckles out of the crowd. Anyway, after the ceremony I managed to bump into this Soldier on a more personal level and he had very nice things to say.

At this point I'm afraid I'm going to have to backtrack a bit. Prior to getting the reminder, we had a rather large fire pop up that singed more than a few hairs on my fifth point of contact (that's a bum for those who don't speak Armyese). Sufice it to say that this was the kind of fire that requires more than a few phone calls to my boss and several other levels of bosses. Once we had sufficiently whizzed on this one we all started to try and figure out why it started. Then came the reminder phone call. Murphy then took hold and rekindled the fire... minutes before the ceremony. I was about ready to stand on someone's head and neck, I just didn't know who. Luckily for me, I work with some really talented and smart people who do the majority of the application of urine for me. Thanks to the professionalism and forthought of the people I work with, the fire didn't singe any hairs this time, we only felt the warmth on our behinds.

When these kinds of things happen, I usually inform someone who informs someone who informs the big boss (no, I haven't been watching the Sopranos). Murphy was having a field day with me today, because the big boss was in my AO (area of operations) to attend the afore mentioned going away ceremony. So rather than have a few layers of friendly faces between me and the big boss, today I was standing tall before the man. I layed down the facts as I knew them and prepared for a broadside. None came. Instead, I got a couple thoughtful nods and was told, "Good work, keep me posted." We're having a meeting with those responsible for starting the fire (not a real fire, I'm still using the analogy) during which I fully intend to place my sole on an adam's-apple or three, it depends on how many they show me.

It's funny, one of the guys I work with is from the UK and he's pointed out how frequently we "Yanks" make reference to bodily functions and fluids; crapping in someone's hat, pissing up a rope or on a fire or on someone's Wheaties. It's motivated me to come up with more silly sayings. Any suggestions?


Blogger Justin said...

uhm, the question is, What's wrong with bodily functions? what do the Brits reference? are they any better? that's the question.

Blogger Rob said...

Wow! I want to get a FREE Game System too! I followed that sweet link and my xbox360 showed up the next day. Amazing! Does "This platoon (equivalent group) looks like 20 monkeys trying to *#@% a football (doorknob) work?" Always struck me as a very "Yankish" expression.

Blogger bandit.three.six said...



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